


I Miss Breathing You In

by ravenhairedtrickster



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, Hobbit Kink Meme, Implied Incest, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-10
Updated: 2013-01-10
Packaged: 2017-11-24 08:33:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/632475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenhairedtrickster/pseuds/ravenhairedtrickster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the Hobbit Kink Meme. Kili is the only one of the Durin line to die during the Battle of the Five Armies. Fili cannot live without his brother (link to detailed prompt in notes).</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Miss Breathing You In

**Author's Note:**

> A fill for [this prompt](http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/2235.html?thread=2667963) at the Hobbit Kink Meme. 
> 
> So, I sort of made the prompt my own and this just became a huge monster, or so it seems. Doesn't follow the prompt to a T but I honestly tried.

Another sleepless night spent tossing and turning, Fili burying his face in his hands in frustration, mourning, he doesn't know anymore. The walls of his chambers have long since become a painful reminder, renderings of his younger brother, Kili, lost in the Battle of the Five Armies. Some are his own, some are artists he's commissioned with the gold reclaimed. They litter the walls, the floor, a few stacks laying around on shelves, and all of Kili's face; Fili doesn't want to forget. 

It's two full moons post the battle, Erebor is as it always was, albeit for the seemingly never ending reconstruction of sections Smaug had prior destroyed, the gold has been moved deeper, locked away, presumably hidden. Fili could care less, he cares not for gold, or the mountain itself. He believes he'll never care again because the only thing he ever truly cared about was lost, slaughtered and left for dead like some commoner, not the nephew of Thorin Oakenshield. 

Fili often dreams of finding Kili amongst the bodies, half buried and pale, body streaked with blood, lips still and blue with the kiss of death. Other nights he dreams of Kili's embrace, oh how soft his brother had been, alight his beautiful eyes and flowing hair as Fili ran his fingers through the strands. Those beautiful eyes however turn cold and Fili is left to hold a corpse, rotting, flesh falling away and Kili cries: "Why did you leave me?" 

It's become a ritual. Fili cannot stand to wake anymore in this wretched world, he doesn't eat anymore, instead throwing his food to the crows and it's the first incident that Thorin is forced to notice how gaunt and unstable his remaining nephew become. In the early light of morning, the lamp within his chambers flickering softly, Fili tries to slit his wrists on his sword. Blood splatters onto sketches of Kili and Fili haunches over, gently bending until he lays on the stone. 

And there he remains, his life draining from his veins.

Later he miserably curses the Dwarf delivering a breakfast he would've refused to eat anyway, who found him. 

News travels fast in Erebor and by nightfall the whole city knows what happened. Thorin is furious as well as confused and dismayed.

In the healing chambers of the uppermost section of the city he visits Fili, eyes straying more than once to the thick bandages wound around his nephews wrists.

"Why?" Is all Thorin asks, it's all he wants to know. He sits close, watching intently. When Fili turns away, a shuddering sob wracking his shoulders and tears begin to fall in droplets on the Dwarfs lap, Thorin takes his hand. "It's alright," he says, softly, gently squeezing the hand in his. "We can discuss this later."

Fili doesn't reply and three days later he's released back to his chambers. 

It's a particularly quiet evening when Fili tries again, nearly a week later. Staring at the walls Fili touches his favourite drawings, uttering quiet apologizes and promises.

"I'll be with you soon," he murmurs and makes his way to the next sketch. He briefly wonders whether Kili will tease him for the limp he acquired during the battle, the blade that had sliced his leg had gone deep, hindering his movement - Thorin had said battle scars were noble, Fili scoffed at those words now. Kili had more scars than any of them and look where he was, lain in the royal crypt upon a bed of marble, his arrows and bow with him. There seemed nothing noble about death, only pain.

Making his rounds Fili returned to his bed. He breathed in deep as he laid on his back then exhaled as he pressed a heavy pillow to his face. He didn't struggle to draw breath, in fact he quite calmly embraced death as it surrounded him in the form of a suffocating darkness. As everything faded he thought, _I'm coming to join you Kili_.

The shock of life was near overwhelming. Fili gasped, lungs working madly to provide oxygen. In his dull awareness he heard voices, some assuring that he was alive, that they had saved him and everything was in good health despite the scare. But above all Fili heard the rumbling worry of his uncle, worry and anger.

The following days Erebor was full of rumours. Dwarves whispered of a sickness, one of the mind and heart and that Fili perhaps would be unsuited for the throne when it was his turn to sit in it. Thorin tried to quell the rumours, saying they were just that, rumours and nothing else, but there were some, closer within the ranks that reported without a doubt that Fili was not in his right mind.

Thorin placed guards on his nephew, ordering them to stay with him at all times in hopes of preventing another suicide attempt. That and an attempt on his life as Erebor grew weary of his nephew, protests had begun, hundreds saying they refused to be ruled by a mad king, and in the security of anonymity some said he should let fate work and let Fili die. 

Thorin would have none of it and declared any ill talk regarding Fili would be considered treason thus the rumours slowly dwindled away until only the bravest of Dwarves complained about the heir, mostly in secrecy.

Night proved to be a problem, the guards he'd placed on Fili were not permitted inside his nephews chambers and before long Thorin had decided Fili would stay in the Kings rooms, where he could keep an eye on the blonde Dwarf.

The arrangements were easy enough to make and before the sun had set outside Fili was arriving, a few blank sheets of paper and sticks of lead in his arms. Thorin invited him in and watched as his nephew entered, not bothering to look around, not bothering to care, he seemed entirely downcast, eyes fixed on the floor. 

Fili only looked up to ask: "Where am I to sleep?"

"In my bed," Thorin replied, he had debated for hours, on the floor or on a cot Thorin might sleep through an attempt, if Fili was beside him, even in the rather large bed, Thorin hoped it would deter the young Dwarf trying. "Which ever side you'd like." He added.

He watched as Fili set his papers and lead sticks down in favour of casting off what he wasn't wearing to bed. Thorin didn't bother to scold him for leaving his tunics, boots, belt, the works laying in a sloppy pile on the floor. Besides, the clothing was doing no harm and Thorin certainly didn't want to agitate Fili. 

Several reports had been done on his mental health while he had been recovering from the first and second suicide attempts. Most all of them had said depression in large letters, depression and a self-loathing is what they had guessed, though they were certain it was all connected to the death of Kili - if the sketches and drawings in Fili's chambers were anything to by. They had also searched his chambers, and in the deep depths of a chest they found writing, notes and letters addressed to Kili, some apologizing numerous times for his untimely death, some begging for death to come and others... others were of a different sort entirely, Thorin hadn't laughed them off but there was something disturbing about pages and pages of script written in Fili's hand professing love for Kili. They were detailed letters, sometimes poetry included, all of them describing acts of love Thorin didn't even think the two had known about yet there it was plain on paper. 

The reports stated the letters were nothing to be worried about, all Dwarves are close, and such words could be exchanged in fun or perhaps Fili had expressed his feelings too strongly by accident. Still, although the letters weren't the biggest problem, Thorin was beginning to see a pattern. It all revolved around Kili and it was having an enormous, crippling effect on Fili.

Fili climbed into the bed with ease, they had shared Thorin's bed many times before when they had been younger - the thought died as Fili realized there was no more 'they'. He sucked in a deep breath, trying to hold the tears that threatened to fall. He sniffed loudly then turned his back to his uncle, curling on his side, not minding that his hair fell over his face, covering it from Thorin's sight. As the candle light was blown out and the bed dipped behind him Fili shut his eyes and tried to forget.

His dreams were filled with Kili's face, his voice, eyes, everything. Once or twice Fili reached for his brother only to find they were far away, so far away, one second Kili would feel so close, Fili would feel his brothers breath on his neck and when he turned they were leagues apart. 

"Don't go," Fili begged, falling to his knees, pressing his palms to his face. "Don't leave me, not again."

"I've not left you," a familiar voice said and Fili dared to look up. His tears continued to fall as he stared into Kili's face, so young, too young for death.

"But you're not -" Fili started but Kili cut him off.

A soft smile graced his deceased brothers face and he beckoned Fili to him. Fili stumbled to the other, not bothering to pause before falling into Kili's arms, pressing his face into brown hair, breathing in deeply. 

"I miss you," Fili whispered and arms surrounded him. 

"I know," Kili replied, pulling back so he could look at Fili's tearful face. He leaned in, looking between them before pressing his lips to his brothers.

Fili melted against Kili, sighing as they kissed. 

"I miss you so much," he breathed as they delved deeper, tongues mingling. 

Kili moved stiffly against him and then Fili froze as Kili said, "Why did you leave me?"

And Fili jumped away as the corpse he'd been kissing crumbled to the ground in a heap of splintered bones and blood.

He awoke with a start, panting, a layer of sweat covering his body. _Oh Gods_ , _oh Gods_ , he thought, bringing a hand to his mouth. 

Steadying himself for half a second he jumped out of the bed, lit a lamp and gathered his blank papers and lead sticks together. Then he began to scribble, drawing quickly a messily on the paper. He needed to forget the corpse, he needed to forget it, that wasn't Kili. Not Kili, never Kili, he refused to remember Kili like that, dead, cold, stiff, never to open his eyes again - a hand grabbed his wrist and he choked off a scream as he realized it was only Thorin.

"What are you doing?" Thorin asked not unkindly, worry lacing his gruff voice. Eyes scanned over the sketch and Fili tried to pull his wrist away. 

"Drawing," he said somewhat out of breath, "I need to draw, I can't remember him like that, I can't, I won't!" He looked at Thorin. "Please, let me finish before it stays in my head forever."

Thorin released Fili's wrist and he watched as his nephew swiftly finished his drawing. When he was done he fell forward on his hands and knees, his head falling between his forearms, and he cried. 

"Fili," Thorin said softly, unsure. "What's wrong?"

Fili shook his head, "I-I dreamt of him," he uttered, whole body shaking.

"Who? Kili?" 

"Yes, b-but it was a trick," he sniffled, sucking in a few gasping breaths. "It wasn't him. It... it was a corpse."

"These kind of dreams are normal," Thorin murmured, reaching out to rub Fili's back, noting how tense his nephew was. 

"And I kissed it." Fili said miserably, as if he hadn't heard Thorin's words. Thorin scowled. Had he heard right? 

He kept rubbing Fili's back as he gathered the distraught Dwarf up, catching a glimpse of the drawing laying on the floor. He wasn't surprised to find it was Kili, a messy, scribbly piece but still, there was no denying who it was. 

Thorin deposited Fili on the bed carefully, as if dropping him would open old wounds, he glanced wearily at Fili's leg, the one that had been injured in the battle. It was long since healed but he recalled how much blood Fili had lost, how close he had come to loosing both of them. 

He followed Fili into the bed, not bothering to care if he was making everything awkward by wrapping his arms around his nephew, tugging the blonde close. 

"Be still," he said, a hand splaying over Fili's chest. "Sleep, we'll talk about this in the morn, alright?"

Fili sniffled but nodded and somehow minutes later he was soundly asleep, cuddled securely within Thorin's embrace. 

Morning brought nothing but trouble, news of Fili moving into Thorin's chambers had spread and again Erebor grew restless. They openly challenged Thorin in the throne room, throwing dark looks at Fili who'd been forced to be at the hearings today. Thorin had been keeping everything in check until a rather rowdy Dwarf entered the hall and before anything could be done was on Fili, snarling in his face as he dragged him to the floor. 

Thorin howled as he tore the commoner Dwarf off his nephew and threw him into the center of the room. 

"What you've just done warrants punishment if not death or exile!" He growled but the Dwarf only spat at his feet.

"I'd rather wander than accept that sorry scrap of skin as my king!" 

"Then so be it." Thorin said gravely, averting his gaze as two guards dragged the hissing and spitting Dwarf from the hall. He signalled to Dwalin to tend to Fili as the next case entered.

He had some scratches but no real damage from the crazed Dwarf who had attacked him. Fili supposed he was lucky but he didn't feel lucky, he felt tired, too tired for this world anymore. Too tired to care about the throne, about Thorin, although he had to admit Thorin's company last night had greatly helped and it was nice to sleep in someones arms again. 

He pushed the thoughts away when Thorin entered the room.

"You weren't injured were you?" Thorin asked, taking Fili's hand in his as he inspected his nephew.

"No, just a few scratches," Fili replied, "he really didn't deserve to be banished."

"And why do you say that?"

"I'm not fit to be King, I never was and never will be, and it's just... impossible now." Fili said with a sad sigh. "Kili was my strength," he admitted, "and Kili is gone and now I'm just a shell and I can't fix it or hide it."

He looked at Thorin hard.

"He's all I think about," he muttered. "It should've been me instead."

"Nonsense!" Thorin exclaimed. "It's unfortunate what happened, terribly so, but there is nothing we - you - can do. You survived the battle, do you think Kili would want you to be doing this? Sadness is natural, so are bad dreams, but think hard Fili," Thorin insisted, looking his broken nephew in the eyes. "The last thing he'd want you to be doing is trying to kill yourself over it."

Fili shrugged, averting his gaze. 

"Erebor doesn't even trust me," he said and when he looked back at Thorin there were tears in his eyes. "I tried to kill myself, how can they accept me as the heir when I'm not stable, when I can't forget Kili or just lay his memory to rest?"

"Forgetting Kili is out of the question," Thorin said sternly, "as for Erebor, they will learn to trust you. No matter what you are my heir and I will defend your honour until the day I die."

A small smile spread out over Fili's face and he leaned in and hugged Thorin. 

They slept that night soundly, though in the morning Erebor was buzzing with the news of the Dwarf who'd been banished, some voices were outraged others passed off the news like it was an everyday occurence. Thorin didn't let the gossip bother him. Though he still got questions about Fili. Was he okay? Did he need an expert healer? 

Thorin evaded the inquires in favour of getting down to business with the council. There were things to discuss, like starting more construction and going over plans to expand the city deeper into the mountain.

Fili walked the halls to his chambers in silence and without guards. The progress, or so Thorin had said, they'd made last night had granted him a whole day to himself for which he was extremely happy about. Usually the guards trailed behind him, not close but not far and although they never bothered him he could never shake the feeling of their eyes on his back. 

Now he had a rare freedom, in regards to the past few weeks. Why he was using this free time to go to his chambers, he didn't know. Part of him missed it, even if Thorin was good company at night. 

Entering his chambers a wave of nausea washed over Fili. Kili's face still littered the walls, of course why shouldn't they, and everything was how he left it. He paused in the door way, taking a few deep breathes as emotion rushed to him. This was too much. 

He turned from the room and fled. When he stopped he found his legs had brought him to the bathing areas. Warm springs that pooled in a special section. They had long since been utilized as baths. One area was a commoner section, it was usually packed with bodies during the after hours, another area was a small spring for royalty. 

He shed his clothing as he made his way to the secluded spot and kicked off his boots and under layer as he reached the private spring - well, mostly private save for a few Dwarves who worked the baths that come and go. 

Slowly he waded into the steaming water, sighing as he stepped off a small ledge within the pool and sunk to shoulder level. He leaned back, his golden hair floating on the surface as he took a few breaths, inhaling the steam, letting it calm him. Then he ducked under the water and disappeared. 

He'd do it this time, finally with nobody around. Fili smiled at the thought as he breathed out, bubbles tickling his face as they raced to the surface where they broke and disipated. There'd be no turning back now, no guards to stop him, nothing but the loud pounding of his pulse and the burn of the water.

All he had to do was inhale, breathe in the fiery liquid and it'd be done. Kili, oh Kili, he was finally going to join his brother. Parting his lips he began sucking in water when something grabbed him.

He broke the surface sputtering and coughing, flailing against the strong hold that surrounded his waist.

"No!" He cried, trying to wriggle free. "You can't, let me go!" 

"Can't do that," an all too familiar voice said and it was then Fili realized who had dragged him out. 

"Dwalin?" He asked shocked and confused. "Please," he begged, not bothering to care about the penetrating gaze that swept over him as the massive Dwarf carried him out of the spring. "Dwalin, I'm begging you."

"Don't beg, it's unbecoming of a future king." Dwalin replied.

Fili shook his head, his hair clinging to his face and shoulders as he beat his fists against the other in frustration. So close. He had been so close. 

"Do not lecture me on kinghood," he hissed after a few moments of silence. He was furious but still confused. This had been the perfect time and the perfect place, what had Dwalin been doing down here? Then it dawned on him. "Did he send you to follow me?"

Dwalin set Fili down but gripped the others wrist tight, he didn't want Fili running from him. 

"Aye." 

"T-that's unfair!" Fili exclaimed, clawing at his face with his free hand. He was at a loss for words as he fell to his knees, bowing his head so his hair covered his face, an attempt at hiding his tears from Dwalin. "Oh Dwalin," he sobbed quietly, "why won't he just let me go. I cannot bear to live in this world any longer, it hurts me. I don't want to eat, sleep comes but my dreams are riddled with corpses and death." He looked up at the big Dwarf. "I'm lost, Dwalin."

"Quiet yourself," Dwalin said gruffly though his eyes were kind. "If I release you, you will not run." 

Fili nodded miserably. His wrist was released a moment later and he half heartedly stood and pulled on his under layer, wiping his face on the sleeve. He was surprised to feel a large hand on his back as he stood there drying his cheeks. 

"Loosing someone isn't easy," Dwalin murmured, his voice sad. "Don't be ashamed to cry."

"I'm not ashamed," Fili said, "I'm tired, tired of waking up only to find it wasn't all a nightmare." He looked at Dwalin hard, "Kili is really gone," he uttered, his voice cracking as the grief washed over him. 

"Aye, I know," he replied, "and we all mourn, but you are not mourning, you are drowning and you need someone to pull you to the surface so you can breathe, live."

Fili didn't speak as he took in the others words. Then he leaned against Dwalin and asked: "Will you save me?"

Dwalin offered a rare smile, a large arm drawing the much smaller Dwarf snug to him.

"I already did," he replied and didn't miss the sob that wracked Fili's body.

Dwalin delivered Fili to Thorin with a full report on what had happened. Thorin took the news relatively well, noting how Fili avoided his gaze. _Oh Fili_ , he thought as Dwalin left, _what am I to do with you_. And then an idea came to him. 

"Come," he beckoned and Fili followed.

He led Fili through halls, never quite going into the city itself but trailing just on the outskirts, looking down at Dwarves hard at work, some rebuilding some mining. They topped once to watch a few master smiths before continuing on. Deeper they went into the mountain and Fili thought perhaps Thorin was leading him to the vaults where the gold and treasure laid. But his suspicions were proven false as they took a turn and descended deeper still, the air growing cold as they walked. 

Then it seemed to rise out of the shadows, words etched into the stone. Fili quivered. The royal crypt. He stopped, bracing himself on the wall, staring at the floor.

"Take your time," Thorin said softly, "we'll go in when you're ready."

Calming himself for what felt like hours, Fili finally straightened up and they entered. He'd been there for the ceremony, Kili's death ceremony, the funeral. He'd seen his brother plain as day laying on a bed of golden straw, his face not pale but seemingly alive with whatever paints they had adorned him with. His hair had been pulled back though some still spilled over his shoulders, a braid hid beneath the top most layers and Fili had seen the blue stone woven into it, the colour of the Durin line. He hadn't the heart to follow the procession down to the crypt and now he was stepping into it for the first time since Kili's death.

He didn't need Thorin's direction to find his brother. The stone bed which he was enclosed within was blue marble with green veins running through it. Where they found such beautiful stone Fili didn't know but it stood out stark compared to the dull greys and whites that other deceased Dwarves were laid to rest in.  
Fili touched the marble gingerly, his fingers pressing to its cold surface. Within Kili laid peaceful, his bow and arrows resting on his chest. Fili wiped at his face. He didn't want to cry but as he read the words inscripted into the marble: "Here lies Kili son of Dis, brother and nephew to Fili son of Dis and Thorin son of Thrain." he found holding back the tears was impossible. 

He leaned heavily against the coffin as he cried, burying his face in his palms trying not to sob too loud. Thorin wrapped an arm around his shoulder, standing close as Fili let go. 

"Why did you bring me down there?" Fili asked between sobs.

"To visit him," Thorin replied, "and to understand that this is what you will reduce me to. I can't lose you Fili. Not when you are the only thing I have left of Kili, and my only heir."

The words sobered Fili some. 

"But - " Fili began but Thorin cut him off.

"We'll work past this," he assured, "however, you'll have to earn my trust, show me that you won't continue trying to hurt yourself," he pressed his hand to the marble, "I can't bear the thought of you in here, I've lost one already, I will not lose another."

Fili nodded, "I think I can do that," he murmured and taking a deep breath turned away from Kili's coffin. "May we go?" He asked, "I've had enough of this place."

Thorin said nothing as he took the lead, his arm still firmly placed around Fili's shoulders as they left the crypt.

"Do you have anyone in particular you'd like to accompany you the next few weeks?" Thorin asked out of the blue, "or will the guards do."

Fili didn't have to think about it when he answered, "Dwalin."

Thorin raised an eyebrow but didn't question Fili's choice. "Of course, I'm sure we can arrange that."

It wasn't better, not yet and not by a long shot but it was getting there. Thorin squeezed Fili's shoulder with one large hand. No, it definietly wasn't better but they had time, time enough to sort it out and fix what was broken. 

Thorin didn't smile as he thought about what laid ahead, but maybe, just maybe it'd all work out and with Dwalin's help and Fili's willingness to put the past behind him, well, there was _hope_.


End file.
